Over the holidays Lydia’s family had an Indian food night. Cooking Indian food for anyone gets me stressed. As an Indian, there’s a tacit obligation to get it right, and I tend to be a perfectionist in the kitchen, so the pressure is on - literally in this case since we were using pressure cooker recipes. Everything went wrong - temperatures didn’t get high enough on the grill, two pressure cookers just stopped working, and we had to adapt to get everything done in time.

While I was primed to worry, my mind was steady - I didn’t even have to click. Inside I was stoic, repeatedly stating - “Hey sometimes things go wrong” and “what if it all turns out great?”.  I was even able to offer this calm fatalism to other people who were stressing out.  I can’t tell you how different this is to what I’m usually like inside. So while I might not always be so Zen, this case alone is proof enough that tally clicking is making a solid change.

Here’s my data for the last 85 days:

Since my last update, I got stressed out from deadlines, small things like crossing the street, driving, or trying new things like classes, cooking devices, and restaurants. I had larger bouts of frustration at life in general. I was nervous, sad, depressed, and jealous, but as the chart shows, I was less and less anxious.

As before, there were many instances where I observed a proto-cynical thought form, catching it and automatically reframing it before it solidified into full blown negativity. I experienced more spontaneous optimism, gratitude, and the warm regard of other people, feelings that are alien in my normal mental frame.

But my project also left impressions on other people. 

OTHER PEOPLE

Lydia said I seemed generally less sad with fewer bouts of true depression. When I did get anxious, she noticed I bounced back quickly.  And vice versa - I heard Lydia automatically use my “what if it turns out perfectly?” reframe right after she said something cynical. It’s yet another example of how the optimism/pessimism spectrum subtly influences people around me.

I also found greater clarification in what counts and what doesn’t in this project. Many cases of life frustration or irritation at people weren’t necessarily future projected prophecies of failure. I had instances of general worry that weren’t really directed at anything, which I didn’t click. Nor did I click away very minute behaviors, like tapping fingers, feet, or picking at my lips. Examined closely, it was difficult to see if this was just nervous energy or bona fide worry.

THE PROS AND CONS OF WORRY

My mother and I had a fantastic discussion on how we both fuse worry with problem solving. We are both concerned that we will collapse into laziness and procrastination without anxiety. But I believe there is a third option - becoming a person who is both an efficient problem solver and anxiety free. Lydia, for example, doesn’t really have recursive, energy draining negativity, but yet she still gets things done. I’m beginning to distinguish the line between calm concern over my plans (like I felt while cooking) and depleting energy over an outcome I can’t change.

CATEGORIES

There were also unusual instances that defied categorization. 

The first was imaginary scenarios: memories of anxiety, or reading books where a character would get anxious would get me get a bit nervous in the present. I’d also have fantasies of interactions where I got a chance to unleash my anger. 

Originally I didn’t know whether or not I should include these in my clicking, but I realized that many of my previous attempts at vice removal eventually got into changed behaviors in dream states. In fact, I think that these liminal states are quite telling of deeper change. 

Back in reality, I also realized that I had few instances of social anxiety - perhaps because socializing generally gives me something else to concentrate on. But people bothered me in other ways. I’d future project negative judgements of people I got an annoying first impression of. Though, when I actually interacted with them, I found they were quite nice and not at all like I had initially assumed. 

FAR REACHING CYNICISM

Cynicism has far larger reaching consequences than I originally thought.

I tend to hate people when I first meet them. I usually stop going to group meetings because of my prejudgements of how everyone will probably act. I have serious issues making plans accurately, and I feel that might be connected to how often I project the future so negatively.

—

Our Indian feast was more than just a success – some of the dishes were the best I’ve ever cooked. I’m glad this project got me to a point where I didn’t have to worry about circumstances beyond my control. But something is still missing. After the 90 days are up, I want do more than simply remove mental conditioning - I want to add more positivity into my life. I want to be that eternal optimist, not just for myself, but the people around me. And I think basic click training might help me do just that.

photocred: pressure gauge by Cory Denton, grumpy cat by Richard Walker, dreamcatcher by Scott Schwartz, emotions AbsolutVision