Day 48 Record Keeping SRHI = 64
Day 16 Fixed Meditation SRHI = 47
Day 15 Dynamic Meditation SRHI = 36
Goodnight sleep, ok wakeup. Incredibly depressed yesterday

I’ve been reading and skimming an immense number of books on Buddhism. What I’ve realized is that there is a lot that’s similar with my “Dynamic Meditation” habit and their equanimity training.

One book I read yesterday suggested that great turbulence of the mind arises when you are into your training. And another book said this turbulence comes when you are about to tame your mind.

That is a relief because yesterday was a tumultuous sea of emotions. Anger, frustration, hopelessness, utter dispair. I felt so depressed, and it kept coming - every time I’d bounce back to counter, it would come right afterwards. And I got so tired. I couldn’t get into that mental state to choose…I was just swept away in the mind-stream rather than hovering on top of it.

I’m keeping up with the practice today - redoubling my efforts. This is the most important thing I’ve ever done - it’s direct training on things that have stopped me in all habits in the past - that feeling that you are just about to give up instead of knowing you are just about to succeed.