Day 1092 & Failure to Start Protocol & Flushing the System

Day 1092 Record Keeping
Day 1064 Fixed Meditation (10 min)
Day 938 Writing (DID NOT DO)
Day 478 Rowing (walking, 1 hour)
Day 219 Mobility/Stretching (10 min, hip stretch, back smash)
—
Early to Rise
Day 247 Sleep Recording  (12:30|(6-8)|11:45)
Day 218 Bedtime Curfew (DID NOT DO)
Day 56 Wakeup Alarm
–
Horrendous sleep, horrible wakeup. Cycled with depression throughout the day, failure to start writing. BUT, I skipped my writing to get outside to attempt to change my mood, eat to restore whatever stores I had, and ended up doing everything else.

Failure to Start Protocol & Flushing the System

I really want to have a protocol of some sort where, after a cut off point, I come to terms with this failure to start, and then stop and eat or go out into the sunshine or continue the rest of my routine in order to get the ball rolling. A Failure to Start Protocol. I think this would prevent me from wasting hours procrastinating yet stuck in a holding pattern of needing to do the first segment of my routine.

I was mentioning to Lydia that I seem to be emotionally cycling a lot these days, which I consider a pattern that occurs sometime after starting new challenges. Or it’s when it’s cold and dark. Or it’s when I’m in the middle of a slog and I’m not really pushing something, so I feel like I’m not getting anywhere in life while at the same not enjoying the world around me. Like habit hamster in his wheel.

She said I should really take these moments to resurrect dynamic meditation, which for one glorious week in Brazil lead me to one of the happiest places mentally in at least a decade.

That’s not a bad idea - sort of like flushing the system after I’ve blown it out or gunked it up (I know, I really like the engine metaphor). 

There are some problems with both of these ideas. It’s really hard to know when you’ve been dithering - it’s not a really conscious process, it’s just something I find myself doing. Also the primary problem with my dynamic meditation was that I didn’t have a really good way to record it. I think both can be overcome, but right now I’ll let the ideas marinate for a bit.

Day 483

Day 483 Record Keeping
Day 452 Fixed Meditation
Day 398 Bodyweight Exercise (2 typewriter pushups)
Day 325 Writing (started writing middle, not very much)
Day 498 Eating (58)
Day 133 Dynamic Meditation (20 min)
Day 80 Marketing = 54 (actionable task)
Great sleep, great wakeup. 16 days missing because of a lot of traveling. 2 back to back work trips, and moved in the middle, so my endurance is shot, willpower is shot, emotionally all over the place and my SRHI is really low for a lot of habits.

Dynamic Meditation Notes (20 minutes):
nothing

Writing (writing middle):
-Did a tiny bit of writing for the middle. Not much, but I’m glad I at least attempted it this first time.

Day 464 & Dynamic Meditation Superhabit

Day 464 Record Keeping
Day 433 Fixed Meditation
Day 379 Bodyweight Exercise (2 typewriter pushups)
Day 306 Writing (transitions, 3 articles, 40 minutes!)
Day 479 Eating (71)
Day 114 Dynamic Meditation = 79 (20 min)
Day 61 Marketing = 67 (actionable task)
Great sleep, great wakeup. SICK, but much better. I’m calling Dynamic Meditation a superhabit - it’s been in the 80′s and 79 for about a month now. So this will be the last time I take the SRHI (barring it dropping from my regimen or having problems pushing it).

Dynamic Meditation Notes (20 minutes):
-x4 Shoulders

Writing (transitions, 3 articles, 40 minutes):
-Pushing this is hard, but not hard as in difficult. I feel like I want to stop, to look at facebook - distracted, but also that feeling of procrastination - “I don’t want to do it” - And I think that emotion is important to describe and acknowledge because it’s exactly the type of feeling I felt when pushing the research aspect. It eventually collapsed down with research into a “oh that’s not hard at all I don’t know what the big fuss was about.” I’m curious if the same thing happens here and in all bouts of pushing skills.

Day 463

Day 463 Record Keeping
Day 432 Fixed Meditation
Day 378 Bodyweight Exercise (3 bridges)
Day 305 Writing (transitions, 2 articles, 20 minutes!)
Day 478 Eating (73)
Day 113 Dynamic Meditation = 79 (20 min)
Day 60 Marketing = 69 (actionable task)
Great sleep, good wakeup. SICK, but much better.

Dynamic Meditation Notes (20 minutes):
-minor arising of nervousness in the face of a Facebook debate
-I think it might be good way to test this in the future
-x4 minor fidgeting

Writing (transitions, 2 articles, 20 minutes):
-I did two sets of transitions with 2 articles - gives me a few options later when writing.

Day 462

Day 462 Record Keeping
Day 431 Fixed Meditation
Day 377 Bodyweight Exercise (2 typewriter pushups)
Day 304 Writing (research, 5 articles, 50 minutes!)
Day 477 Eating (75)
Day 112 Dynamic Meditation = 79 (20 min)
Day 59 Marketing = 69 (actionable task)
Great sleep, great wakeup. SICK, but much better. 

Dynamic Meditation Notes (20 minutes):
nothing much at all

Writing (5 articles in 50):
Was incredibly easy today. I had no idea was capable of this speed of research. Tomorrow I’m going to start the next phase, going back and just choosing which of the transitions I’ll use to connect the story and researched places together.

Day 461

Day 461 Record Keeping
Day 430 Fixed Meditation
Day 376 Bodyweight Exercise (3 bridges)
Day 303 Writing (research, 2 articles, 30 minutes)
Day 476 Eating (73)
Day 111 Dynamic Meditation = 80 (1 hour 20 min)
Day 58 Marketing = 75 (actionable task)
Great sleep, FANTASTIC wakeup for some reason…I wish I could bottle that. SICK. Felt drained after completing my tasks in reverse order (had to pick someone up at the airport early in the morning, messed with my schedule). Hence my research for writing was like pulling teeth

Dynamic Meditation Notes (1 hour 20 minutes):
few bouts of fidgeting nothing much

Writing (2 articles in 20):

Day 460

Day 460 Record Keeping
Day 429 Fixed Meditation
Day 375 Bodyweight Exercise (2 typewriter pushups)
Day 302 Writing (research, 3 articles, 1 hour)
Day 475 Eating (69)
Day 110 Dynamic Meditation = 80 (20 min)
Day 57 Marketing = 77 (actionable task)
Great sleep, great wakeup. SICK

Dynamic Meditation Notes (20 minutes):
x5 fidgeting, minor

Writing (3 articles in 1 hour):

Day 457

Day 457 Record Keeping
Day 426 Fixed Meditation
Day 372 Bodyweight Exercise (3 bridges)
Day 299 Writing (research, 3 articles, 1 hour)
Day 472 Eating (64)
Day 107 Dynamic Meditation = 79 (20 min)
Day 54 Marketing = 69 (actionable task)
Good sleep, good wakeup. Yesterday had a bout of complete depletion. Today reversed order and worked on my big writing push first, which was much better. Still feeling that restlessness and depression, but I think that’s pretty normal when starting to really push something.

Dynamic Meditation Notes (20 minutes):
x3 fidgeting, minor

Writing (3 articles in 1 hour):
-Started in the morning with this.
-things progressed faster

Day 455

Day 455 Record Keeping
Day 424 Fixed Meditation
Day 370 Bodyweight Exercise (3 bridges)
Day 297 Writing (research, 2 articles)
Day 470 Eating (66)
Day 105 Dynamic Meditation = 79 (20 min)
Day 52 Marketing = 71 (actionable task)
Good sleep, great wakeup. Decided to start recording eating again…my eating has been really off lately.

Dynamic Meditation Notes (20 minutes):
x1 shoulders minor

Writing (2 articles in 1 hour)
-It was really tiring. Not necessarily difficult, but just tiring
-I can definitely streamline this more and do it faster
-only did 2 articles in 1 hour. I want to up this to 3 in an hour, AND I want to extend this to two hours

Day 447

Day 447 Record Keeping
Day 416 Fixed Meditation
Day 362 Bodyweight Exercise (2 typewriter pushups)
Day 289 Writing (editing)
Day 462 Eating (lax the last few days)
Day 97 Dynamic Meditation = 81 (2 hours 8 min)
Day 44 Marketing = 69 (editing)
Great sleep, great wakeup. TRAVELING. Lax on the food.

Dynamic Meditation Notes (2 hours 8 min):
several fidgeting
teeth grinding
A horrible negative arising which was countered pretty quickly

Day 440

Day 440 Record Keeping
Day 409 Fixed Meditation
Day 355 Bodyweight Exercise (2 back walkdowns 1 bridge)
Day 282 Writing (pitching 93 words)
Day 455 Eating 
Day 90 Dynamic Meditation = 80 (1 hour)
Day 37 Marketing = 68 (pitching/research)
Great sleep, great wakeup. Really lackluster performance on this dreary, rainy day. Just…dragging. Been sleeping a lot. Writing was just 93 words for a pitch I should’ve done yesterday. Dynamic meditation was 1 hour instead of 2 my research was the bare bare minimum. These days happen, what can you do except work better tomorrow. That attitude is much more solid in my mind which is a Good…no, a FANTASTIC thing.

Dynamic Med Notes (1 hour):
X1 anger/outrage
x3 fidgeting
Notes: Arisings are noticeably few and far between

Interesting how the Dark Night I had really tore out huge segments of suffering. Nevertheless I’m starting to notice other arisings - like little whispers that weren’t as noticeable before that are now audible. 

Day 439

Day 439 Record Keeping
Day 408 Fixed Meditation
Day 354 Bodyweight Exercise (25 lb kbell tabata)
Day 281 Writing (pitching)
Day 454 Eating
Day 89 Dynamic Meditation = 80 (2 hours, 40 min)
Day 36 Marketing = 65 (pitching)
Great sleep, great wakeup. Dynamic meditation feels much more ingrained - identity questions have shot up. Marketing is in flux now, but hey it’s ok it’s still being built up.

Dynamic Med Notes (2 hours, 40 minutes):
a few minor arisings
a few minor shoulder
much more subtle fluctuations than before
Notes: At the hour mark there’s an increase in fluctuation. I’m shooting for 2 hours, as I believe my dark night event allows me to go further with this.at the very end a lot of nervousness, but it subsided almost immediately as soon as I recognized it

Day 436

Day 436 Record Keeping
Day 405 Fixed Meditation
Day 351 Bodyweight Exercise (2 typewriter pushups)
Day 278 Writing (editing)
Day 451 Eating
Day 86 Dynamic Meditation = 80 (1 hour - FLOW)
Day 33 Marketing = 78 (Editing)
Great sleep, great wakeup.

Dynamic Med Notes (1 hour):
x2 fidgeting
x1 irritation
Notes: A preternatural sense of calmness with the moment. Experimented with flow, but it almost wasn’t even necessary. It feels like a huge weight lifted - I need to monitor if this state lasts.

Day 434

Day 434 Record Keeping
Day 403 Fixed Meditation
Day 349 Bodyweight Exercise (KBell Tabata)
Day 276 Writing (pitch writing)
Day 449 Eating
Day 84 Dynamic Meditation = 79 (20 min  - Vipassana)
Day 31 Marketing = 74 (pitching)
Good sleep, good wakeup.

Dynamic Med Notes (20 min):
Decided to do Vipassana today. It was incredibly difficult to sustain while talking and doing anything else other than sitting around. Thinking about cycling back and forth with my own Dynamic Meditation style which directly prevents negative arisings and Vipassna, where you merely note and watch the arisings crescendo and pass away.

Meditation, First Jhana, and Buddhism

I don’t really know where to put this, but I feel it’s important to record all things, so here goes.

A few months ago in Barcelona I found a book called Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel Ingram. In it Ingram outlines a series of maps and guides for advanced practitioners of meditation.

In the book - and in other books and I have read by similar “hardcore” practitioners- Buddhism is painted as a path by which you not only fight the day-to-day arisings of negativity, but how you can destroy the uprisings from the source. And this is all reachable and doable. HERE is a fantastic article about this in the New York Times about a practitioner who did a retreat with Ingram.

One of the waypoints of this meditation map are several states called jhanas - altered states of consciousness, in this case caused by single pointed meditation. Last week I believe I reached the first of these states. Without a formal teacher there’s no way to ascertain it - but I read everything I could get my hands on and it seems to match the descriptions exactly. I’ve since felt myself brushing it…today I definitely got there again. There was a sense of single pointedness, of altering of perception, numbness of the body, pleasure and bliss.

I have a lot more reading to do, but the point of all this is is something entirely different. IF this is a path that works, then is there really any point of doing dynamic meditation? I’ve felt like my dynamic meditation practices have recently become lackluster. I observe my thoughts, sure, but is it really doing anything? Or should I ratchet it up - should I practice specific exercises, or use it to facilitate regimentation - specifically not thinking about work when work is complete?

What confuses the issue is that since getting to this jhana - if indeed I did get to the state - is the amount of turmoil it has seemed to arose in me. I’m filled with rage followed by calmness. Maybe it’s me sleeping badly, but I don’t know. My calm has been perturbed, and I don’t know if it’s meditation that’s causing it or if it’s some point in my habit formation project that’s causing it.

EDIT: I wrote all this yesterday without actually posting it. Today I had an excellent dynamic meditation practice - but perhaps I should expand the practice. 

Day 433

Day 433 Record Keeping
Day 402 Fixed Meditation
Day 348 Bodyweight Exercise (3 bridges)
Day 275 Writing (editing)
Day 448 Eating
Day 83 Dynamic Meditation = 78 (1 hour 5 min)
Day 30 Marketing = 75 (action + editing)
Ok sleep, good wakeup. 


Dynamic Med Notes (1 hour 5 min):
there were uprisings but they quickly blipped away - and this too after a frustrating conversation - but no fidgeting, fluctuations, shoulders, etc. First time.

Day 432

Day 432 Record Keeping
Day 401 Fixed Meditation
Day 347 Bodyweight Exercise (2 typewriter pushups)
Day 274 Writing (editing)
Day 447 Eating
Day 82 Dynamic Meditation = 72 (30 min)
Day 29 Marketing = 67 (action + editing)
Horrible sleep, slow wakeup. Last 4 days were weekend + messed up schedule with taking care of my mom for a surgery, which completely messed up my sleep schedule. In addition I’ve just been having horrible sleep. I think it’s because of my addiction to meditation. I start doing single pointed meditation right before going to sleep which seems to really mess up my sleep pattern. In addition my emotions have been all over the place since reaching first jhana - this has been reflected in my dynamic meditaiton. I’ll write about my experiences with it in another blog post.


Dynamic Med Notes (30 min):
x2 shoulders
Interrupted sessions twice - focus really bad in this.