DAY 365!!!! ONE YEAR!

Day 365 Record Keeping
Day 334 Fixed Meditation (brought up negativity, quelled it. HARD)
Day 280 Bodyweight Exercise (3x5 bulg split squats - HARD)
Day 207 Writing (a lot of editing)
Day 380 Eating = 75
Day 137 Work = PAUSED
Day 15 Dynamic Meditation = 58 (30 min)
Bad sleep, good wakeup. Holy moly, it’s one FULL YEAR of daily recording!!! More on this in another blog post.

Dynamic Med Notes (30 min):
x2 shoulder
x2 satisfaction
x3 dissatisfaction
Notes: Nothing too noteworthy. I’m really trying to maintain a level of satisfactoriness in each moment of doing something I find administrative, irritating, time consuming. It’s very difficult to retrain.

But, when I’m in it, I’m listening to music, I’m looking at travel pictures, I’m writing about things I find fascinating. Yet, in between moments, I get this feeling of wanting to hurry up and get through these tasks. I should be enjoying the moment.

Hypnotica in one tape to add a modifier, even if it doesn’t make any sense. Why can’t something that is tedious be EPICALLY tedious? Why can’t it be BLISSFULLY tedious?

I was watching ChoZen yesterday, and it’s hilarious how he uses his struggle as fuel for his rapping - and it seems like rappers do this a lot - they mythologize their life as an an epic quest for rap domination, where even the hum-drum parts are reinterpreted as leading to eventual glory. And THAT’S the battle.

I’m thinking here of Eminem’s frequent lines about going “back to the lab” to write and record. Why can’t I pull from that in order to give meaning to the stuff that’s not glamorous in my life?

I feel that mythologizing can help me get into an ideal frame in dynamic meditation where even standing in line at the DMV can have be at a base happiness level. 

Day 364

Day 364 Record Keeping
Day 333 Fixed Meditation (single pointed)
Day 279 Bodyweight Exercise (bridges)
Day 206 Writing (a lot of editing)
Day 379 Eating = 76
Day 136 Work = PAUSED
Day 14 Dynamic Meditation = 57 (50 min)
Great sleep, great wakeup. Was very charged to break out of plateaus. Did something difficult in each of the things I’ve been slacking in. I did single pointed meditation - several sets. I really worked hard on my bridging, trying to get up to the flexibility I had in the past. I managed to do a walk down wall bridge, and then walked back up (I haven’t been able to do this as well since I was traveling and got sick). And I did a lot of editing to get a work article ship shape to publish.
My work habit is paused - I have this thing at work, and it may be that I won’t be able to do that particular work anymore. But, as Lydia said, this is a Good Thing. I’ve been struggling with it, and I really want to get my pitch, write, edit cycle down pat. And this is something I fear a lot - Pressfield says that your fears point to true north - those are things you need to be working and battling at the MOST. For me, that’s my writing habit.
I’ve decided to take it like this - if I have my work habit - great. If not, there’s plenty of stuff I can be attacking, and I’ll drop it no problem with no guilt, anxiety, or worry.

Dynamic Med Notes (50 min):
x5 fidgeting
X3 tension
x4 jealousy
x1 sadness
x5 not laughter so much as satisfaction - SATISFACTION that’s REALLY IMPORTANT!
x6 the opposite dissatisfaction with the moment
Staying with it but control and observation is difficult really bounce back from one to the other. As I observe it’s almost amusing, like an old friend. Turbulence, starting falling into the emotions,tired from the work, at the end it fizzled out.

Notes: 

That last bit probably made no sense. What I meant was that I’m starting to see these arisings as generalities. So instead of lip picking, finger flicking, etc it’s just “fidgeting.” At the same time there are a lot of little subtle different emotions that arise that are just generally “unsatisfaction with the moment.” When I realize recognize that, I surge into satisfaction, or laughter. What I called laughter before is better summed up now is intense satisfaction - this is important because in Buddhism what is translated as “suffering” is better translated as the unsatisfactoriness of experience.

The two emotions started bouncing back and forth. I felt unsatisfaction, then made it satisfactory, and became almost like an old friend - like hey, I knew that was coming, and there was a certain amusement that arose.

maybe it’s key to just do it in that manner - just recording satisfaction and non satisfaction, and whenever I’m just not paying attention - that’s how this practice fizzled out, I just had amnesia and forgot to continue monitoring my mind.

Day 363

Day 363 Record Keeping
Day 332 Fixed Meditation
Day 278 Bodyweight Exercise (3x4 typewriter pushups - hard!)
Day 205 Writing (a little editing, pitching)
Day 378 Eating = 74
Day 135 Work = 61
Day 13 Dynamic Meditation = 56 (1 hr 50 min)
Bad sleep, great wakeup.

Dynamic Med Notes (1hr 50 min):
-x4 general fidgeting
-x2 forming of general worry
-x4laughter
-rising of nervousness about what I fear most changed to absolute anger at work the anger came from messing up something that was perfect – of ruining a perfect day. It has now collapsed to hopelessness and dullness, and then a flurry of jealousy and bitterness. stopped to do some fixed meditation (counts!). It’s back but more in control but with surges of frustration/anger

Notes: Ruductionalism helped a lot - reducing complex tasks to very simple parts - it helped me keep track and prevent arisings. It helped with absorption - so much frustration comes from not knowing what to do next and dwelling instead on larger issues rather than the task at hand.

-A lot of laughter was the assuredness of being a part of a certain path

-Been slacking a lot on fully formed habits - more on that later

-Not my best dynamic meditation - BUT I was able to stay with the anger and frustration - not quite observing objectively, but it was good to not fully fall in. I expect backslides and reversals on this and any path of self improvement.

Day 362

Day 362 Record Keeping
Day 331 Fixed Meditation
Day 277 Bodyweight Exercise (3 bridges)
Day 204 Writing (editing and a little writing…not my best work)
Day 377 Eating = 75
Day 134 Work = 63
Day 12 Dynamic Meditation = 60 (1 hr 30 min)
Great sleep, great wakeup.

Dynamic Med Notes (1hr 30 min):
-x7 shoulders
-X4 finger flicking
-x7 arising of worry
-x2 teeth clenching
-x1deep breathing dissatisfaction with the moment
-x1 tremor of worry
-x4 laughing almost a forgetting in itself

Notes: 

-doing more than two things at once pulls at my conscious too much - work/chatting/meditating/listening to music - I just can’t concentrate on the quality of my mind

-There are layers of this arising of negativity. There is the emotion itself - both falling into it, and noticing it. Underneath it is a crystalizing - when it is coming together. There’s also a more nebulous level beneath - the groundwork for that crystallization. I noticed that level a lot today. That is the closest I’ve felt the arising closest to its generation. It’s also the first arising I’ve felt in discrete layers - embryonic level is the moment I’m really targeting. 

-I was able to go longer today, and there was more of an amused feeling when observing the constant (and now quite predictable in terms of particulars) arisings, rather than it being bothersome. There were more subtleties - tremors in the mind rather than outright manifestations. I practiced absorption as a way to eject the arisings, and that worked for a while on projects that weren’t so closely tied to worry - a part of this process seems to be teasing those threads apart and reducing tasks to discrete component parts. Towards the end the concentration just fell a part. But I was able to use chakra flexion to surge a feeling of joy. A very interesting practice today.

Day 361

Day 361 Record Keeping
Day 330 Fixed Meditation
Day 276 Bodyweight Exercise (2x5 Bulg Split Squats)
Day 203 Writing (Blog draft)
Day 376 Eating = 77
Day 133 Work = 58
Day 11 Dynamic Meditation = 61 (40 minutes)
Great sleep, great wakeup. 

Dynamic Med Notes (40 minutes):
-X1 teeth clenching

Notes: Definitely an interesting practice today. I was working on my writing while doing my dynamic meditation and got so absorbed that I forgot to observe my mind twice. But, there were no negative arisings. 

For a long time I’ve wondered as to why there’s such a massive emphasis on absorption - single pointed meditation. It doesn’t seem to directly affect mood or negative arising like other forms of meditation do in the end. I think this is the answer.

When you are absorbed correctly in something things cease arising. I’m reminded of what Mihály Csíkszentmihályi calls a flow state. To quote Wikipedia

According to Csikszentmihalyi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-minded immersion and represents perhaps the ultimate experience in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning. In flow, the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized, and aligned with the task at hand. The hallmark of flow is a feeling of spontaneous joy, even rapture, while performing a task[2] although flow is also described (below) as a deep focus on nothing but the activity – not even oneself or one’s emotions. 

I think that accurately captured what I felt just now. Flow states seem to destroy all negative arisings.


Also definitel noticed some bleed over of maybe 10 or 20 minutes after doing the exercise. 

Day 360

Day 360 Record Keeping
Day 329 Fixed Meditation
Day 275 Bodyweight Exercise (2 typewriter pushups)
Day 202 Writing (Writing improvement)
Day 375 Eating = 74
Day 132 Work = 56
Day 10 Dynamic Meditation = 51 (50 minutes)
Good sleep, ok wakeup. Still a bit sick.

Dynamic Med Notes (50 minutes):
-x2 weird sense of dissatisfaction with the moment when doing some administrative thing - this is a difficult thing to pin down
-x2 disquiet arising naturally-executed chakra flexion both times
-x1 irritation
-x4 shoulder
-slip picking
-x1 finger flicking
-x3 arising of worry
-x7 laughing
Notes: Perhaps use that memory of laughing that week in Brazil as an anchor? It seemed to lead me into that feeling of cheating at life when I recalled it during this practice.

Lost track about 20 minutes in - just completely got absorbed in the actions and forgot that I was supposed to pay attention to the state of my mind. Vipassana is key here - I can see how altering it is to just pay attention to the mind because it automatically makes anything noticeable and correctable because it’s not you.

-That sense of unsatisfaction with the present moment is really difficult to nail down - must add that to the list of things to watch out for because I think I have this problem a lot and it drags me down - especially with things like internet nonsense or even taking the SRHI. I should be able to live in that moment with joy, knowing that those moments are where the battle are really waged. 

Day 359

Day 359 Record Keeping
Day 328 Fixed Meditation
Day 274 Bodyweight Exercise (bridging practice of all kinds)
Day 201 Writing (Pitch)
Day 374 Eating = 75
Day 131 Work = 57
Day 9 Dynamic Meditation = 47 (1 hour)
Good sleep, ok wakeup. Still stomach sick.

Dynamic Med Notes (1 hour):
-x3 shoulders
-x2 lip picking finger flicking
-x1 clenching of teeth
-x3 arising of worry
-2 from worry about my computer battery being in the red why worry? It will happen when it happens
-X3 laughing - clear light?
Notes: Content doesn’t matter - who cares if the arising of worry was caused by work or something else? So perhaps it’s better (or rather, more useful) not to talk about the particulars - it’s more about fidgeting rather than finger flicking, lip picking etc. Perhaps it’s ‘more useful

- Lost concentration midway. It was very difficult sustaining a full hour - almost like I needed a break. Is this a better way of doing it? Having reps and then connecting them eventually?

-The laughing thing was easier to bring up this time. Is his what the books call clear light? Bears further research

Day 358

Day 358 Record Keeping
Day 327 Fixed Meditation
Day 273 Bodyweight Exercise (2 regular pushups)
Day 200 Writing (Pitch)
Day 373 Eating = 81
Day 130 Work = 51
Day 8 Dynamic Meditation = 51
Good sleep, good slow and tired wakeup. Sick - stomach is feeling horrible. If this is because of my pizza binge, then it’s a great incentive to not cheat.

Dynamic Med Notes (40 minutes):
-minor things - flicking hands and tapping foot
-X3 shoulders
-x6 laughter
-x2 flicking fingers
-X1 clenching teeth
-X3 lip picking
-x3 finger picking
-X3 arising of impatience at work
-multiple arisings of negativity - hating people, anger at things, future -projections, teeth clenching, revulsion but only crystallizations
 
Notes:
-It’s as though I need to focus on two things. One is the noticing of arising. The other is that feeling of cheating at life. Perhaps the two can be solved together?Because when I feel the arisings then I become a bit sad that that is me now
-Thought on a checklist phone app with standard checks to record while on the go
-Thought that I need to be able to calmly and joyously work and the arising tension of work is also something to observe 
-VERY difficult doing more than one thing at once - i.e. working AND chatting online - and doing meditation

Day 357

Day 357 Record Keeping
Day 326 Fixed Meditation
Day 272 Bodyweight Exercise (2 regular pushups)
Day 199 Writing (68 words)
Day 372 Eating = 75
Day 129 Work = 58
Day 7 Dynamic Meditation = 48
Good sleep, really slow and tired wakeup. Yesterday I felt really really carb/ego depleted. I took the day off - What I’ve noticed is that the day after coming back from traveling is usually when all the exhaustion crashed into me. So why not take that day off, leaning into the program rather than wearing myself out on it. 

I took the day off, and decided to just order and eat a pizza. It was glorious. I had two cokes, cause I felt really thirsty. I usually don’t crave cokes anymore, but I did then. 

Then I experienced this flood of what I’ll carb repletion. It made me felt really bad, and I think I either am feeling the carryover today, or I’m just getting sick again (a lot of people here are sick so that’s inevitable).

I really like the idea of taking the day off on days I know I’m crashing because of ego depletion. But eating that much off my diet just makes me feel horrible. I need to just take it easy and eat some more solid carbs - brown rice, potatoes, yams, etc. so that I don’t totally crash from all the processed carbs. Because I still feel pretty horrible and it has effected my habits today.

Dynamic Med Notes (20 minutes):
-X6 Anger
-X2 clenched teeth

Notes: Needless to say, this was a step back - I just haven’t been able to get on the outside of the immense frustration with work and torpor I’m feeling today. Tomorrow is another day.

Day 355

Day 355 Record Keeping
Day 324 Fixed Meditation
Day 270 Bodyweight Exercise (3x6 regular pushups)
Day 197 Writing (editing)
Day 370 Eating = 78
Day 127 Work = 49
Day 5 Dynamic Meditation = 52
Bad sleep, ok wakeup. Travel. 

Dynamic Med Notes (20 minutes):
-X3 crystallization of shoulders
-clenching of teeth
-x3 crystallization of teeth clenching
-X4 crystallization of worry for doing this in front of other people and worry of how it would look - self consciousness
-X3 general crystallization of
-X8 Flexing of warm inner glow of happiness-like fanning fans of a fire - directly under solar plexus, warm glow under collar bone
-X2 disgust/irritation of coughing
-X1 irritation of distraction
-X1 frustration at internet
Movies are a great way to practice 

Day 354

Day 354 Record Keeping
Day 323 Fixed Meditation
Day 269 Bodyweight Exercise (2x5 Bulg split squats)
Day 196 Writing (editing)
Day 369 Eating = 76
Day 126 Work = 51
Day 4 Dynamic Meditation = 51
Great sleep, slow wakeup. Travel. Exercises were hard - in high altitude in Colorado. 

Dynamic Med Notes (just over 20 minutes):
-X2 crystallization of worry
-caught-x2 minor shoulders
-upwellng of sadness
x1 surge of laughter
Notes: Doing this while writing an homage to my friend who died in the place where I found that he died

Day 353

Day 353 Record Keeping
Day 322 Fixed Meditation
Day 268 Bodyweight Exercise (3 typewriter pushups)
Day 195 Writing (editing)
Day 368 Eating = 77
Day 125 Work = 55
Day 3 Dynamic Meditation = 48
Great sleep, slow wakeup. Travel.

Dynamic Med Notes (just over 20 minutes):
X1 Catching shoulders
x2 shoulders
Notes; was very involved in editing, it kind’ve busted me out of any negative arisings.

Day 351

Day 351 Record Keeping
Day 320 Fixed Meditation (vipassana)
Day 266 Bodyweight Exercise (2 walk down and up bridges)
Day 193 Writing (editing)
Day 366 Eating = 75
Day 123 Work = 55
Day 3 Dynamic Meditation = 45
Great sleep, great wakeup. Bridges have been harder. Writing has been harder. Eating has been very easy and work, now that I start in the beginning, has been much much easier.

Dynamic Med Notes (for 1 hour):
x4 finger picking
x7 shoulders
x7 laughing
x4 lip picking
x1 clenching teeth
x5 crystallization of worry/seriousness/tension - used various techniques to counter
Notes:  excitement of the ability to do this is and that it is possible. Was definitely difficult after 30 minutes, but somewhere in the middle there was a sweet spot where the “laughter” symbolizing the radical freedom of cheating at life emerged a lot. Towards the end there were more arising of negativity - but more importantly the formation of that arising, a subtler thing than finding myself immediately in the fully formed emotion.

Day 350

Day 350 Record Keeping
Day 319 Fixed Meditation
Day 265 Bodyweight Exercise (2x5 bulgarian split squats)
Day 192 Writing (59 words)
Day 365 Eating = 74
Day 122 Work = 50
Day 2 Dynamic Meditation = 28
Great sleep, great wakeup. 

Dynamic Med Notes (for 20 minutes):
X6 shoulder tension
X1 lip picking
knot forming in the mind
X1 clenching teeth
started using anchoring technique to counter recurrent shoulder tension
irritation of being side tracked but the realization is that there is no side tracking
x4 laughter - realization of choice in emotional state and it’s easiness, but also that this is wildly all encompassing

Notes: subtleties of emerging tension and the difference between negativity and focus which can start to manifest as a knot of worry - the point is relaxed focus

Day 349

Day 349 Record Keeping
Day 318 Fixed Meditation
Day 264 Bodyweight Exercise (6 typewriter pushups)
Day 191 Writing (68 words)
Day 364 Eating = 74
Day 121 Work = 55
Day 1 Dynamic Meditation = 21
Great sleep, great wakeup. Emotional state normalized (thank god). Doing work at the very beginning of the day has noticeably improved the habit.

Dynamic Med Notes (for 20 minutes):
X5 shoulders
X2 lip picking
X3 flicking fingers
Mental worry crystalizing
 future projection
x2 clenching teeth
arising internet irritation
caught general worry
x2 laughing

Day 348

Day 348 Record Keeping
Day 317 Fixed Meditation
Day 263 Bodyweight Exercise (wall walk down walk up bridges)
Day 190 Writing (780 words)
Day 363 Eating = 74
Day 120 Work = 50
Great sleep, slow wakeup. Was incredibly down, but I think I’m getting better. Yesterday was probably the worst - I actually didn’t do any of my habits yesterday. Am surprisingly doing really well with my eating habit. I did my work habit at the very beginning of the day instead of after all my other habits. It worked surprisingly well and it’s got me feeling very hopeful about the habit.

Day 346

Day 346 Record Keeping
Day 315 Fixed Meditation
Day 261 Bodyweight Exercise (5 typewriter pushups)
Day 188 Writing (69 words)
Day 361 Eating = 75
Day 118 Work = 42
Great sleep, great wakeup. Incredibly ego depleted. Feeling of the need to do so many things that I feel like drowning. Very depressed. A relatively small incident got me very down. Feeling that my project is breaking a part. Also have that feeling of panic - like I need to have had so many habits down years ago. This last one is especially familiar and dangerous, because in the past it had me chasing projects I couldn’t finish and abandoning others.

Day 345 & Habit Depression

Day 345 Record Keeping
Day 314 Fixed Meditation
Day 260 Bodyweight Exercise (wall walk down walk up bridges)
Day 187 Writing (97 words)
Day 360 Eating = 69
Day 117 Work = 50
Great sleep, great wakeup. Incredibly ego depleted. Battling massive amounts of depression and emotional exhaustion. I feel as though no matter how much I try to do an overwhelming mountain of weight is poised above to crush me screaming “You’re a failure!” and the worst part is I start to believe it. 

Habit Depression

I’ve practiced my meditation multiple times today, and I’m trying to disassociate myself from the power of the emotion. A part of it is how difficult it is to do my work habit - it’s like pulling teeth, and I think it’s because I’m holding myself to 2 hours per day. If it were any other habit I would start with 20 minutes - a ludicrously easy habit. But somehow making it ok to do 20 minutes isn’t enough - I feel the weight AND how much work I have to do on top of that - pitching, writing, discharging PR debts.

When I feel this it combines with my anxiety over this project. Am I making any progress here at all? Am I doing anything unique. I’m reading a book about a similar topic that skims the bare minimum of interactive journalism - she did something for a year and wrote about it. Books like this are all over the place now - what’s sad is that I genuinely love this style of writing. Unfortunately this lady, and many like her, are just pumping out crap - they’re doing the bare minimum to get published, and moving on without a care in the world.

One year is nothing for this project. As I approach it I feel torn a part - should I be marketing this blog? Should I make it more click-able? I probably should if I want any of this work to see the light of day. But I can’t… I need to do it my way…but oh god today it’s just so depressing. I have this stone in my stomach - a feeling like no matter how far I get with this, I won’t be able to sell it, and I’ll have to watch while others like this lady sail past me with crap and a New York Times Bestseller.

I have to remember that I’ve had these breaking points before, where my endurance was stretched, where I fell into that feeling of churning in the mud, exerting everything and feeling like I’m getting absolutely nowhere. I’m going to do a few more meditative techniques, take a break, look over old similar times in my blog, and try my best to get through this. 

When I have moments of distance, I can see that these feelings are the battle. And I have to believe that afterwards I’ll get to habit flow, where worry-free steady improvement stretches out in front of me as far as the eyes can see.

Day 343

Day 343 Record Keeping
Day 312 Fixed Meditation
Day 258 Bodyweight Exercise (2 wall walk down bridges - incomplete)
Day 185 Writing (323 words)
Day 358 Eating = 72
Day 115 Work = 47
Great sleep, great wakeup. Finally back from 3 back-to-back travels. Actually pretty solid generally speaking with eating considering I was really sick as well as constantly traveling. Work was incredibly hard to get back into. Although I had problems recording my habits, I did do them most days unless I just had absolutely no time. I was concerned about my writing habit since I just didn’t have much time to do it - luckily the fluidity of writing is still back in a subjective way.